I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
