I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm getting married
To pizza
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
