his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
