At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
