My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
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Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize