We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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