I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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