the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
