chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Come share oat with me in your robe
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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