I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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