Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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