Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
