I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
