He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
