I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
