I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
