Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
