ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
