I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
