The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We are two peas in an std pod
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
