She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
