I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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