I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
