I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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