Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
