The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
