I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
