my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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