I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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