I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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