My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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