i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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