Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
