I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
