If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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