mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
