Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
