Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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