spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
