shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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