tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
