someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
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He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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