I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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