How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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