So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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