He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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