i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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