2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie