Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dating After Heartbreak
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.