How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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