I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How does one acquire holy water?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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