so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
