I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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