I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
