i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
