I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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