Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
