If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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